"Rapid Robber" Still Warms My Heart

From the Late Cretaceous period comes everyone's favorite killing machine, the velociraptor. Its name is Latin for "rapid robber" which upholds its warm blooded metabolism. This species of dinosaur is very closely related to the modern bird.

This picture, although cool as all get out, is inaccurate. A velociraptor's "hands" would actually be oriented "palm-in". (Like he wants to give you a hug.) This is a popular misconception thanks to Jurassic Park. The other BIG misconception is their size. The velociraptor was actually only about six feet long from head to tail and about two feet tall at the hip. The weighed about 45 pounds.

So why do these extinct bad boys make my heart go pitter-pat? Well, first off they look as bad as heck. I especially like the reverse articulated toe with the dagger sized claw. Second, they're no t-rex. That guy had a couple of useless arms and probably didn't do its own killing. (Seriously, there are paleontologists that think the tyrannosaurus was a scavenger. Big evidence: nasal passages. Look it up!) Velociraptor has been found preserved in a death match with another dino. Its super-cool claw slashing the other's throat. HARD CORE! Way cooler than t-rex! Lastly, you could so keep one as a pet. It'd be about the size of a labrador and a much better theft deterrent.

To conclude my love letter to a 70 million year dead species, "Stay cool VP, stay cool."

Two Great Tastes That Go Terribly Together

Batman. Awesome. 'Nuff' said.

Frank Miller. Amazing comic book creator. His original creations Sin City and 300 have both been translated into beautiful films. His work on Batman in the mid-1980s helped to redefine the character and the entire superhero genre.

When DC Comics announced that Frank Miller was returning to write All Star Batman and Robin, the Boy Wonder (arguably the longest comic book title in history), many where ecstatic. I'll admit I was one of them. Click the image above to see every fan-boy's exhibit A in their arguments for declaring this (while channeling The Simpson's Comic Shop Guy) "The Worst Batman Ever!"

Apologists have said that Batman's behavior is demonstrating the necessity of a Robin. I can buy that. The problem is this: this monthly comic has been published four times in the last two plus years. So, we fans have had a loooong time to soak in the glory of this a-hole Batman. Our patience is wearing thin.

This is not the first time the once great Batman/Miller combo has let us down. Most forget (mercifully) the Spawn/Batman team up from over a decade ago. Written by Miller, this unholy tome features Spawn referring to Batman as "Old Man" at least one thousand times. Not to be outdone, the Caped Crusader slings the "Punk" moniker back at Bean Dip Face, let's say, twelve bazillion times. Even Monkey-Girl, who avoids comic books nearly as deftly as she does Transformers, recalls the atrocity. Many a time we've had mock Old Man/Punk fights. (We get bored sometimes.)

Sad to say, this aught-to-be-a-slam-dunk title is being removed from my pull list. I'd say sorry to Frank Miller, but I think he's the one to be apologizing.

A Sad Day in History

Behold the nectar of the gods: McDonald's own Shamrock Shake. I love these things. I always have. I always will. You'll just have to live with that.

I have gotten at least one of these gifts of heaven each year. Heck! When I had my wisdom teeth out and couldn't eat human food, my only request of my then girlfriend was to bring me a cup o' perfection from the Clown Prince of Cholesterol. She spilled it all over her car's upholstery as she pulled into my parent's driveway. She was very, very, sorry. We broke up. (The later is not necessarily a function of the former.)

This all establishes my love of the Shamrock Shake. I know I gave up sweets for Lent, but today is a feast day. I could have one. We drove to Monteagle. No shake. We drove to Murfreesburo. No shake

It seems that corporate owned McDonald's restaurants haven't sold Shamrock Shakes for years! Franchise holders have carried the shakes at their own discretion since then.

As I recall, I was once told that all of the McDonald's in Racine, WI are owned by one woman. (A McDonald's mogul if you will.) I just want to take the time to thank her. The years of joy she brought me by continuing to order Shamrock Shake mix for her restaurants are priceless.

Monkey-Girl suggested we make our own. We could. It just wouldn't be the same.

The world feels a little colder. I'll get my cardigan.

Not Your Average Monkey

Meet Salacious B. Crumb, one of the most perfect minor characters in all of Star Wars. You may not remember his name, but I know you can't forget his laugh. (Maybe, like me, you find yourself haunted by it.) Salacious here is the highlight of the scenes inside Jabba's Palace in Return of the Jedi.

Mr. Crumb is a kowakian monkey-lizard and is Jabba the Hutt's jester. That last little fact confirms a suspicion I've had since first seeing Jedi back in '83. Salacious is cognitively disabled. You see, most court jesters in our world's history have had some sort of handicap or another. The particularly "zany" ones were most likely just an example of royalty sanctioned insensitivity and cruelty. "That man lacking the mental capacity to perform the simplest of tasks without embarrassing himself doth make me laugh. Bring him to my castle where I canst laugh at him daily."

This also explains why me has so much pent-up aggression. Just look at what are man, Salacious does to C3PO the most foppish (read courtly) character in all SIX films.

That's right! Salacious tears his eye out with his bare teeth, er, beak! Now that's social justice! Tell me you haven't wanted to do this to some know-it-all that makes you feel stupid every time he/she opens his/her condescending yap. Tell me and I'll call you a liar.

Now those of you that know me know my love of monkeys. It's legendary. You may also know of my Star Wars affinity. Ditto. So a lizard-monkey from the Star Wars universe that tears out the eyes of its oppressors: "Have it!"

Still Nursing My Throat

After a weekend of not teaching, my throat still has some issues. I hope to have this thing beat by next weekend. That's the beginning of spring break for me. I already put off seeing 300 this weekend due to a lack of companionship. (Most on Monkey-Girl's classmates were writing papers she's already finished.)

Yesterday we had a retreat for the spouses of the seminary. It was quite nice, and very practical. The fall's retreat was a little more touchy-feely. That too was nice, but this was better. My throat was giving me coughing fits, though. Poor Melissa next to me was so concerned she probably couldn't enjoy the speakers. I did get to take home the left over orange juice after helping clean up the Alumni House. (They've got a moose head!)

Well, I'm off to read my Complete Peanuts book. Charles Schultz's genius is perfect evening reading.

Why Choose the Lesser Evil?

"Come son of Jor-El! Kneel before Zod!"

With those words Terrence Stamp brought the Superman II villain to my impressionable consciousness. He is a great character. Everything you want in a villain is here. I don't care to enumerate his qualities here, but I will showcase one.

His emmence ego. Who refers to himself in the third person?

It only seems fitting that Zod toss his metaphoric hat into the pollitical ring. That's right General Zod is running for President in 2008. You can check out his platform on the Zod 2008 website.

Yes, it's a joke, but looking at our slate of candidates from the two major parties it doesn't seem as funny. Perhaps there's hope(?) in the Cthulhu for President campaign?

Typing Away Because My Voice is Gone

My throught is so sore.

(How sore is it?)

It's so sore . . . oh, forget it. I'm feeling too cruddy to be funny right now. (Not too cruddy to do a tribute to the late, great, Johnny Carson.)

Even my web comic updates weren't made today. Just uploaded today. That's only apt if you actually think my comic is funny. Some people like it. Others think I try too hard.

Well, I'm off. [We know. ("We" like more than one person reads this.)]* I'm going to try to finish my book and get some sleep. I'm going in to school tomorrow as the district is out of subs and I HATE to leave my classes in anyone elses hands.

*Thanks, Elizabeth!

Fun with a Camera

As you can probably tell, I've spent most of my evening working on the web comic. It's nice to just take some "me time" and do something creative. I think I've finally hit my stride on the editing end of it. Now just for the story-telling part.

I've got to more episodes up. I'm now into double digits! I'll probably get the next two up tomorrow. Then I'll have completed my second story arc.

Sorry if all the geek speak is going over your head. This is much more for me than it is for "y'all." Thanks for putting up with me.

By the way, this marks twenty-five posts: a sort of milestone. (Good on me.)

Descent: God Loves Me

Here is my new joy. Its name: Descent. Its subtitle: Journeys in the Dark. Its mission: rock board gamers' faces right off.

This game has everything. Miniature heroes figures, custom dice, not-so-miniature monster figures (they'll give you nightmares), a customizable board, and eleventy billion punch-out pieces.

The game is moderately easy to learn and is a wonderful way to pass time with a group of geeky males. Anytime you can get high-fived for rolling some dice to simulate an orc's untimely demise, you know you're in a good place.

I picked up the game back in December when I was home for the holidays. I had a coupon granting me 50% off its already discounted price. "Have it!" We finally cracked open this gift from Jesus yesterday. Now I'm beating myself up for the lost ten weeks I've blindly lived not having experienced its wonder.

I'm so into the awesomeness of this game that I've renewed my once-abandoned quest to get Monkey-Girl to regularly play board games with me. Cross your fingers for me.

In Like a Lion. Indeed.

I've "borrowed" a map from The Weather Channel to show you what's going on right now. The red box-like things on this map indicate areas that are currently under a tornado watch. (Meaning conditions are right for a tornado to form.) I've added the pink dot to approximate our location.

School was called off at one o'clock so as to make sure students could get home before things got bad. Word is the storm's supposed to peak at around three. That's when we normally dismiss. Because a school bus is far from the ideal location for a tornado shelter, students would then have to wait out any storms in the main hallway at school. (It's probably safer than most students' homes, but (again)* not ideal.) All in all, a good decision.

I've got to straighten up the old homestead as we're hosting Survivor: Fiji night. Yeah, we're not too concerned up here on the mountain. Write at y'all soon!

*Can you have parenthesis inside of parenthesis?